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Parenting at School - Creating a Plan to Prevent Misbehavior Issues

How many parents get notes from school about their child's misbehavior? Lots, I'd bet. The notes typically describe the kid's misbehavior and (unfortunately) leave it up to the parent to do something. What can you do when you're out-of-sight and out-of-mind?

Teachers have a tough job. They need to be keeping order in their classrooms with 20-30 kids who each have their own issues and behavior motivations. And, amid the conflicts of the children between each other and behavioral mis-steps of individual kids, teachers are expected to teach the "three R's", address their learning styles, remediate struggling students and prepare the kids for advancement to the next grade. Whew! What a gigantic job!

Behavioral issues at school (scholastic or interpersonal), are met with a variety of discipline techniques. But the techniques are limited. Corporal punishment is not allowed--thank heavens! Motivational reminders, stern looks, "Time out", staying in during recess, lectures about consequences, trips to the principal's office (and when all else fails) notes to the parents or caretakers are often the progressive steps taken in the quest for results.

What's a parent to do?

1--Talk with your child about what's happening. Without interruption or correction, parents need to listen to two important aspects of misbehavior: 1) Listen to what he/she thinks happens and 2) Listen to what he thinks about what he/she does. Sometimes misbehavior is a misunderstanding. But if you don't know what your child thinks and perceives, it will be difficult to help him/her find another solution to the problem.

2--Acknowledge that a problem exists and affirm that you are going to help your child find a solution. This acknowledgment might sound like: "I can imagine it is hard for you to sit still when your teacher wants everyone to be quiet. But I think we can think of something that will help you stay out of trouble." Or: "I don't like it when someone takes my stuff either. Maybe we can think of another way to handle it". Or: "Sometimes I don't want to do what someone-else wants me to do. Let's see if we can figure out a way to help you manage your frustration."

3--Ask your child what he/she thinks might help when "the problem" occurs. If the teacher has described the misbehavior in the note or communication, it is likely that your child might feel "ganged up" upon if you automatically agree with the description. Therefore it is wise and helpful to get input from your child before you assign blame or a solution.

Here's a good opportunity to create an investigative team" by including your child in identifying and solving the "mystery". It is important to specify 1) Who is involved, 2) When the issue usually occurs, 3) Where the "alleged" misbehavior happens, 4) What happens and 5) What happens next. When the issue is taken apart, it is sometimes easier to see patterns and consistencies which can provide clues about possible solutions.

4--When you fully understand the what, where, when and who, you can begin a conversation about options...not concrete solutions. Good questions to ask are: "When that happens again, what else could you do?"; or "Is there something you can do BEFORE [the problem occurs]; or "Does this issue occur with just one person (i.e. a student or teacher or ____) or does it happen with almost everyone?"; or "If your [your friend] had this problem what would you suggest he/she do about it?"

5--The final question explore is what ideas your child has about solving the issue. As he/she comes up with ideas, write 'em down. Now--{ta-da]--It's finally time to create a possible solution. Ask your child which idea has the best chance of solving the issue. Why do you think it will work? Will it create a new issue? How will your child try it out? What can you do to help?

6--When a plan is chosen, write it down like a "contract". For example: "When I'm in the lunch room line, I will keep my hands to myself. If Joey teases me, I will get out of line and ask an adult if I can stand next to another student while I'm in line." This phrase states the important components of a contract agreement: when, where, what I will do...and what I will do if I'm likely to "get into trouble". Then talk with your child's teacher and discuss the contract agreement...so everyone is able to support and acknowledge your child's commitment to change behaviors. And, finally don't forget to ask your child frequently, "How did your plan work at school today?" The more you can hip-hip-hooray, the better. And if it needs revision, this question will suggest further brainstorming.

Supporting your child in creating a behavior plan related to school behaviors teaches many lessons: 1) that you care enough to take the time, 2) that you honor his/her intention to solve a problem, 3) that you have confidence that he/she CAN change behavior. And, to quote Stuart Smalley, you're expressing your belief that your child is "good enough, smart enough and goll-darnit, people like [him/her]". That's a major step toward making good behavior a better option than misbehavior! And, together you'll likely come up with a unique solution that works for everyone.

For more ideas and tips about school behaviors and education issues, you're invited to visit www.HomeworkSuccessNetwork.com. Parenting isn't easy...but when the goin' gets rough, go "n" get more information.

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